2025: Year of the Hermit

The Hermit, Leonora Carrington, from Major Arcana collection

2025 is a 9 year in numerology (2+2+5 = 9) and the number 9 corresponds to The Hermit card in the Major Arcana of the Tarot.

The hermit card speaks of an inward journey that can only be taken alone. Often when we think of the word alone we think of “lonely,” but the hermit card is here to help us dispel this notion. The truth is, we are never alone – we are always surrounded and supported by spirit – and if we rely on the company of others to fix or solve our problems we are only delaying our own growth and evolution. Time spent alone is necessary for healing and strengthening self-confidence in your own power and abilities. The hermit card says, “Do not be afraid of the company you keep with yourself.”

The image on the hermit card shows a figure entering a dark cave, armed with a lantern, cloak and staff. The symbolism here is that the dark cave represents the descent inward, a willingness to go within and examine the shadows and fears that exist there. The willingness to enter the cave indicates a level of trust in self and spirit, trust that you are well equipped with your tools to handle whatever comes forward.

The cloak represents protection, indicating support by forces unseen on your inward journey. Though you may feel fear, safety is assured with this cloak of protection. The lantern represents the light of illumination, your guide on this journey. Trust that as you shine this lantern on each fear and shadow within the cave, and quite literally “bring them to light,” this light will dispel, dissolve, and release them. The staff represents higher wisdom. As you sit in the cave and shine a light on your shadows and fears, higher wisdom comes forward with lessons and integration that further accelerate your healing journey.

Getting to know oneself deeply and intimately is an important part of the initiates journey that can’t be avoided. If we try to bypass this step by filling our lives with constant company and busyness, we are only delaying personal growth and evolution. The hermit card is meant to help you befriend yourself and honor alone time as something sacred and healing to your mind, body and soul.  

As Ouspensky, author of Symbolism of the Tarot says, The Hermit card represents “Higher knowledge … that inner knowledge which illuminates in a new way even what appears to be already clearly known. This lantern lights up the past, the present and the future for the hermit.”

Trust yourself and the journey. Go within and see where the magic takes you …

The Purpose of Life is to Find God

… or Goddess, or Spirit, or whatever you want to call the divine universal lifeforce energy that surrounds us and supports us while we reside here in these earthly forms. I needed this reminder today and maybe you do too. As I sit here working through some kind of post-holiday virus, too tired to do much of anything “productive,” worrying about my to-do list and feeling like I’m slipping further and further behind, I am suddenly made aware of the fact that no, actually, I am right on target. Actually, with the North Star of my compass set to find God, I am ahead of the game.

When I say “find God” I mean find your connection to something greater than yourself. Get outside of the small, limited point of view that tells us what’s real is only what the eye can see. Get rid of thinking of God in the limited religious context of an old man in the sky. Find out what God means to you. Discover the purpose of your life. Practice expanding your consciousness to include more than what you can see with your eyes. Practicing tuning in by feeling and sensing. Find out what God/Spirit/The Universe is to you. Explore through reading and learning about different spiritual practices, explore through communing with this God source in meditation. Leave behind blind faith and the unknown to feel what is real. Get to a place where you’ve not only found God, but you know God.

For most people, the purpose of life is not to find God. The purpose of life is to be successful and make money and raise a family and travel and do as much as you can in this lifetime. When you compare yourself to people who have a different purpose, it can feel like you’re falling behind. When you measure success and a life well lived in these terms, it can feel disheartening and confusing to make peace with where you are and the slowness of progress on the material plane.

I have been “slowed down” by illness for the past ten years. My autoimmune issues come in many symptoms and forms, and are constantly causing me to pause and slow down. I can’t move as fast as I want to in the physical plane or accomplish things in the timelines I’d like to. And for someone who has big dreams and visions for what they’d like to do and achieve on the material plane, this can be incredibly frustrating.

But I also know that each moment of this struggle has brought me closer to God. It’s true that the “down on your knees moments” bring you to God. When you want to give up, when you can’t find an answer or a way through, you turn to God. When you need a miracle to keep going and it’s not coming through on the material plane you go within, and you connect to something greater than yourself.

So I am grateful to remember and be reminded that I have not wasted any time on my journey. That a sick day is not a wasted day if I have used it to connect with God, if I have spent some time in meditation and contemplation. And as long as I keep that as my compass – The purpose of life is to find God – each day will be well lived and well used. I have not fallen behind. I am surging ahead in ways that can’t be seen on the material plane, and that is more important to me than any outward measures of physical manifestations.

I also want to clarify here that these reflections are not meant to come from a “holier than thou” place or Tiny Tim voice of unwavering positivity! I am simply sharing what I have found to be true and what has helped me through my own struggles. When we can simplify our busy lives and never-ending to do lists with the reminder that our purpose in life is singular and attainable with daily practice, you can also find peace.

I choose to use the word God knowing it is polarizing word, but hoping to dispel old outdated associations with the term with the acknowledgement that it can be interchanged for any of the above other terms mentioned. When I am speaking about spirit, or the universe, or life force energy, I am speaking about God. So for my own purposes, I’d rather just call it like it is. Knowing God and finding God can come through many spiritual paths and doesn’t always have to be within the context of a particular religion. I welcome everyone to find their own way to God, knowing there is no right or wrong way as long as it is based in love and kindness.

I hope this is helpful to those who feel like they may be falling behind or can’t catch up to the success stories of society around them. If getting to know God in this lifetime is your marker of success, maybe you aren’t so far behind.

The Science Behind the Supernatural

The Science Behind the Supernatural is a compilation of research I began working on during the height of Covid in 2020. With life and death scenarios playing out all around the world at the time, it felt important to pour my energy into something that mattered. Something that could bring light to the darkness, something that could bring hope and healing.  

I had been reading books on spirituality, life after death, and the mind/body connection for several years prior. The things I read blew my mind, empowered me, and changed the way I lived my life. But when I would share these things with friends or family, it was often difficult for them to grasp and didn’t seem to light the same spark. I felt strongly that “getting this information out there” could change the world, but I knew that this world of woo would need to be centered in something people could sink their teeth into: science.

So I set about compiling scientific research on the topics that fascinated me most, the topics I was sure would change people’s lives for the better if they knew about them. Things I was sure people would be willing to look into, open their minds to and apply if there was enough scientific evidence to back them up. I put together a website where I continued to compile information, with the intention of sharing it all once “complete”…

Four years later, the information is still incomplete and has been sitting unread and unpublished in the dark, not doing anyone any good! Realizing I could continue to work on the content forever and it would never be “complete,” I’ve decided to just start sharing the information by topic here. I believe it fits well enough here with my current website, as the work I do now is very much centered in the supernatural.

The research presented here is by no means complete, and I hope to find the time to continue to add to it and revise accordingly. Please know that while I am by no means a scientist or academic researcher, I have done my best to make sure that each scientific study sited comes from a reputable source and is not funded by certain organizations that have personal interests in mind.

I hope this information not only opens your mind and gives you hope, but also gets you excited about the untapped potential of magic within and around you! Dive in …

“Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words
Your words become your actions, your actions become your habits
Your habits become your values, your values become your destiny”

— Mahatma Gandhi

Part 1: The Placebo Effect

The placebo effect is a fascinating phenomenon and one of the strongest proofs we have that thoughts do affect our physical reality. By taking a neutral substance, such as a sugar pill, and observing the physical and psychological effects it has on the body and mind, we are able to see scientific evidence behind the power of belief. Studies in this area are showing us that people have the ability to heal from a disease or physical ailment through thought alone, simply based on belief.

 The Encyclopedia Britannica defines the placebo effect as, “A psychological or psychophysiological improvement attributed to therapy with an inert substance or a simulated (sham) procedure.”  In most of the articles you’ll find online about the placebo effect, you’ll see that it is generally championed for its benefits concerning psychosomatic conditions such as depression and downplayed in its ability to affect physical healing.  

 However, as I went deeper into research on the subject, I found plenty of scientific studies backing up both.  I’ll present to you here a handful of studies from each area, as well as the equally powerful “nocebo” effect and a few other studies demonstrating the power of mind over matter.

The Placebo Effect on Psychological Conditions:
 
One of the most promising and well-studied areas of placebo benefit is in patients with depression. Study after study shows that placebo pills are just as effective, and sometimes more effective, than anti-depressants themselves. Since there are so many studies in this area to choose from, let’s start by looking at one of the first major meta-analyses on the subject. (A meta-analysis looks at many different studies on a single topic to uncover a general conclusion.)

In 1998, clinical psychologists Dr. Guy Saperstein and Dr. Irving Kirsh sifted through years of research to compile the first meta-analysis on antidepressants titled, ‘Listening to Prozac but hearing placebo: A meta-analysis of antidepressant medications.’ Their findings, published online in the journal of the American Psychological Foundation, concluded that, “The placebo component of the response to medication is considerably greater than the pharmacological effect.”

The study, however, was met with controversy and criticism – partly because meta-analyses were considered flawed and inadequate at the time. The general thought was that you couldn’t effectively scientifically analyze such a large amount of data into a streamlined conclusion. (Today, met-analyses are regularly used and considered to be one of the best ways to distill a large amount of scientific information into cohesive patterns and statistics.) 

Challengers were so disturbed by the findings that they accused Saperstein and Kirsh of using biased data from an unrepresentative subset of clinical trials. In response to the accusation, Saperstein and Kirsh replicated their study in 2002, using a completely different set of clinical trials. 

In order to obtain access to new trial information, the pair reached out to the FDA under the Freedom of Information Act and requested data sets from pharmaceutical companies.  (Under current law, pharmaceutical companies are required to submit information from all clinical trials sponsored by the FDA.  Many of these trials remain unpublished and are never shown to the public.)  

Saperstein and Kirsh’s 2002 meta-analysis was unique in that it analyzed both published and unpublished studies and was able to reveal information to the public that had previously been hidden.  The unpublished studies from the FDA revealed that “Only 43% of the trials showed a statistically significant benefit of drug over placebo. The remaining 57% were failed or negative trials.” 

This new 2002 study confirmed their 1998 findings about the placebo effect, showing that “Approximately 80% of the response to medication was duplicated in placebo control groups,” and noting, “Improvement at the highest doses of medication was not different from improvement at the lowest doses.” 
 
A full summary of Saperstein and Kirsh’s work can be found here in the US National Library of Medicine titled, “Antidepressants and the Placebo Effect.” 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4172306/#:~:text=But%20analyses%20of%20the%20published,effect%20at%20all%20on%20serotonin.
 
1998 study:
https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1999-02983-012
 
2002 study:
https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/2002-14079-003

Placebo Surgery:

There’s no disputing that a spinal fracture is a very real and painful experience, and many would assume there’s no way of “tricking yourself” into feeling better regarding something so physical. However, a 2009 study published in The New England Journal of Medicine proves otherwise – showing that even in the case of spinal fractures, the placebo effect can still provide relief. 

Titled, ‘A randomized trial of Vertebroplasty for Osteoporotic Spinal Fractures,’ the study involved 131 patients who were randomly divided into two groups: 68 patients who would receive the actual surgery and 63 others who would receive only a simulation of. The participants were not told which group they were assigned to and the placebo surgery was carefully set up to mimic every aspect of the real surgery, aside from actually applying the cement to the fractured vertebrae.
 
After 1 month, the follow up with both groups found that there was no significant difference in pain levels between the group who had received the actual surgery and those who had the fake procedure, concluding that, “Patients with osteoporotic vertebral fractures who were randomly assigned to undergo either a full vertebroplasty or a control intervention consisting of a simulated vertebroplasty without infusion of PMMA did not differ significantly at 1 month after the procedure on measures of back-pain intensity, functional disability, and quality of life.”

They did find that as they tracked the two groups into the second and third month, some of the patients started to feel pain again. However, it must be taken into account that part of the deal for participants in the study was that they would be informed at 1 month in which group they were a part of, and if they were in the placebo group they could elect to have the real surgery.

Because of these circumstances, it’s hard to tell if their pain returned as a result of being told they were in the placebo group, or if it would have returned on its own regardless. The scientists involved in the study question the accuracy of the long-term pain results because of this factor, and conclude that further testing and tracking needs to be done in this area to monitor long-term pain relief. 

Regardless of the long-term effects, there’s no denying the short-term effects are profound in themselves – identical pain relief from the real and fake surgery!

Full study available for view here: https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMoa0900563#t=articleMethods

Placebo and Knee Surgery:

One of the most widely-studied areas of placebo effect in surgery is specifically with knee surgery. If you look around online, you’ll find many different scientific papers on the subject, with the most promising findings in the area of arthroscopic knee surgery.

The first placebo-controlled study involving arthroscopy for osteoarthritis was done in 2002 by Dr. Bruce Moseley. Moseley’s initial objective was to determine which part of the arthroscopic knee surgery was producing relief in his patient’s pain levels. The thought of including a placebo surgery control group wasn’t even on his radar (at that time placebo or “sham” surgery control groups were rarely included in studies) and it wasn’t until a fellow colleague, Dr. Nelda Wray, challenged his method that he decided to include one.  

Initially resistant to her suggestion, Moseley didn’t believe that a fake surgery could produce any real results. However, Dr. Wray convinced him that without the placebo group included, there was no way to indefinitely prove that the pain relief was the result of the procedure rather than the patient’s belief. So, with this new control group secured, Dr. Moseley set out to better understand what exactly made arthroscopic knee surgery effective.  

To do this, Moseley took 165 patients with arthritis of the knee and divided them into three groups – one that would receive arthroscopic debridement (removing damaged cartilage or bone), one that would receive arthroscopic lavage (rinsing out damaged cartilage or bone), and one that would receive the placebo surgery.
 
It should be noted that the placebo surgery was carefully conducted to mimic the real surgery as closely as possible.  Patients received actual incisions where the arthroscope would normally go and received a simulated debridement that involved everything except actually inserting the instrument. Patients were then tracked over a 24-month period in which both pain and functionality were monitored. 

This data was collected at 2 and 6 weeks after surgery, and then at the 3, 6, 12, 18 and 24-month markers. After assessing all the data, Moseley was shocked to find that, “At no point did either of the intervention groups report less pain or better function than the placebo group.”
 
Those in the placebo group were reporting the same level of pain relief and similar if not better functionality as those that had received the surgeries, doing things like playing basketball and climbing stairs with no problem. Those in the debridement group actually reported less functionality at the 2 week, 1 year, and 2-year mark than the placebo group.

While Moseley had initially set out to determine which part of the arthroscopic surgery was most effective, he now had to concede that, “My skill as a surgeon had no benefit on these patients. The entire benefit of surgery for osteoarthritis of the knee was the placebo effect.”
 
Check out the full study here: https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMoa013259

Placebo Effect Without a Placebo Pill:
 
Just as an inert substance or sham surgery can produce a chemical or biological change in the body, so can an actual medicine’s effectiveness be diminished by the power of belief. Let’s look at what happens when there’s no placebo pill involved but still a placebo effect at hand. A 2017 study involving the popular anti-anxiety medicine Lexapro is a perfect illustration of our mind’s ability to amplify or diminish the effectiveness of medication through thought alone.
 
The study, titled, “Verbal suggestions influence the clinical and neural effects of escitalopram in social anxiety disorder: A randomized trial,” involved dividing participants with social anxiety disorder into two groups – overt and covert. Both groups were then given 20mg of Lexapro for 9 weeks, the only difference being that the overt group was told that was what they had received, and the covert group was told that they were given an “active placebo pill” which was unlikely to produce any clinical effects but may cause some of the same side effects as Lexapro. Patients were then monitored through various means over the duration of the study, including with fMRI scans and clinical and self-monitoring evaluations. Blood serum was even checked to confirm that all patients had the same amount of Lexapro in their systems. 

At the end of the study, data showed response to treatment in 50% of the overt group, versus just 14% of the covert group. In addition, overall quality of life improvement was reported at double the rate in the overt group versus the covert group.  Neurological data from the fMRI scans also showed changes in brain function between the two groups. Those in the overt group who responded positively to the medication tended to have more activity in the posterior cingulate cortex (PCC), an area associated with cognition and attention. Those in the covert group had higher levels of activity in their amygdala, an area associated with the flight or fight response. 

Remember, each group was given the same dose of medicine but produced vastly different results based on their beliefs alone – proving the mind is that powerful!
 
Full study here: https://www.thelancet.com/journals/ebiom/article/PIIS2352-3964(17)30385-7/fulltext
 
Nocebo Effect:

The term “nocebo effect” is used to describe a negative placebo effect. For instance, if two groups of patients receive placebo pills and one is told that it will heal them and the other is told it will hurt them, those who experience the negative reaction are an example of this nocebo effect. Much like the Lexapro study cited above, this is an example of one pill (though in this case, a placebo pill) producing two different outcomes based on the patient’s projected outcome.
 
One startling example of this occurred during a case study for antidepressants in which one of the patients in the placebo group attempted to commit suicide by taking all 29 of his prescribed pills at once, not realizing that they were placebo pills.  Because of his strong belief in their adverse effect, he began to go into hypotension to such an extent that intravenous fluids were required to stabilize his blood pressure. When he was told that he was actually in the placebo group and in no real danger, his symptoms quickly subsided and his body regulated itself. 
 
Full study here: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17484949/

If you want to go more in depth on the nocebo effect and its implications, a 2012 meta-analysis titled, “Nocebo Phenomena in Medicine” is a great overview of the many different studies in this area:

 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3401955/

My Mediumship Journey

My own journey into exploring death and what lies beyond began 12 years ago when my mother was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer and given a 5% survival rate. My father relapsed when we received this news and spiraled into his own life and death battle with alcoholism. I am an only child and was living across the country in California at the time. Watching my family and support system disappear before my eyes quickly made me realize I needed to find another form of emotional support if I hoped to survive this myself. I had to find support that didn’t die and didn’t depend on someone or something outside myself. I had to find spiritual support. 

Having grown up in the church, I knew about God and angels and Heaven, but at that time in my life, all of that felt too intangible to hang onto. I needed something more secure and solid to grasp, something beyond just blind faith… I needed to learn from those who had walked through the greatest fear that was facing me now – the fear of death, the fear of losing our loved ones. I wanted to know more about this teacher we walk side by side with from the day we’re born. I wanted to prove I could and would survive it. And I wanted to believe that what I had grown up being told in the church was true, that heaven was real and that we’ll someday meet again.

To get acquainted with death, I turned to books as my guide. People really, because people write the books. But it was books that buoyed me up during this time, and began to open my mind. Books by those who had an up-close knowledge of and intimacy with the subject. Books by hospice workers and nurses, books by spiritual teachers, books by scientists, books by those who had experienced NDE’s (Near Death Experiences), books by mediums.

The books written by doctors and nurses and hospice workers astounded me with their similarities. Their stories showed me what people experienced when dying was statistically impossible to chalk up to mere coincidence. How so many spoke about seeing a white light, about deceased loved ones appearing to the person in the days before their death, about how the energy shifted and changed in the room when the spirit left the body.

The spiritual texts I read, written by various yogis and ascended masters throughout the ages, spoke to me through the lens of the long story from a higher source. It was big picture thinking that made sense to me and finally answered some of the questions I had never found satisfactory answers to relating to karma, reincarnation and the “why me” question we all ask ourselves at some point.

My favorite text from this time (still my favorite today) was Autobiography of a Yogi. Written by Paramahansa Yogananda in the 1940’s, it is a direct account of his life and path towards becoming a yogi and bringing that wisdom to the West. Autobiography of a Yogi was a book that George Harrison kept in stacks by his door and handed out to anyone who came over. The only book on Steve Jobs iPad when he died.

The scientific spiritual books fed my young adult left brain which needed more than just a feeling or faith to go off of. Reading about quantum physics – how energy can not only never be destroyed but can also never be truly separated once linked – appeased the skeptic in me and helped me see how some of this “woo woo” might actually be real.

But the thing that had the biggest impact on me was reading about regular everyday people who had glimpsed the other side and come back to tell about it through their NDE’s. This to me felt like the most trustworthy form of “evidence” – straight from the source. There was no way to explain away what these people had experienced, both how they had defied the odds physically and survived “the impossible” and how thousands of people could come back with such similar stories about what they experienced on the other side.

Somewhere in one of these books someone mentioned mediumship, and as I dove into this topic and began to read more, another door in my mind opened, another safety net appeared to appease my fears. Reading about mediumship affirmed to me that not only do our souls go on, and not only will we be reunited after death, but also that the communication line between the physical world and the spirit world can stay open while we are here. This gave me great comfort to know that even if my worst nightmare happened – if I lost both of my parents – they would not only still be around me, but I could learn to communicate with them.

Uplifted by this information, I navigated the life and death situation playing out before me with a lot more grace and peace from that point forward. I feel so incredibly grateful and lucky to share that my mom defied the odds and made a full recovery. My father continued to struggle over the next decade, in and out of rehab, on and off the wagon. In early 2020 the situation was not looking good, and as the pandemic began and the panic mounted, I found myself brought back to mediumship. Up until that point, I had kept it in my back pocket as a knowing. Knowing IF I needed to study mediumship it was there, but with so much else going on in my life it didn’t feel like a priority to fit in. The pandemic brought it back in as priority.

Finding myself isolated across the country watching life and death struggles play out all around me, I worried that I might never see my family again. That Covid might take their lives. That my father might finally succumb to his self-destruction. I kept reading my books to buoy me and give me hope, but after one particularly harrowing relapse experience with my Dad I decided it was time to jump in. There might not be much time left. I had to learn how to communicate with the other side in case my Dad wasn’t going to make it through this year.

In perfect divine timing, a local psychic medium announced that she was leading an online course for beginners that fall. I signed up right away and felt immediate support from Mary’s style of teaching and the community she created. Her way of explaining the intangible broke down the “woo” of mediumship for me in a way that I could grasp and understand. Authentic and encouraging, Mary spoke of her own experience developing her abilities and assured us that we could all do the same. Her course gave me the courage to dive in deeper and was the perfect container for my beginner practice.

Strengthened by what I experienced in Mary’s course, which I would describe as glimmers of connection with the other side, I let fate take the wheel when another mediumship course dropped into my lap a few months later. What drew me to this course was that it emphasized something called “evidential mediumship,” which focused on bringing through information from the other side that could be verified by the sitter.

This spoke to me as someone who did not take this work lightly and wanted to assure those who were skeptical that this is real. If I was going to be practicing mediumship, I wanted to make sure that what I was bringing through was not only healing and helpful, but valid and verifiable. I also found it refreshing that the teacher, Suzanne Giesemann, came from a background that was the complete opposite of the “woo world.”

Her previous career was as a U.S. Navy commander and aide to the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. She didn’t believe in any of this stuff until her stepdaughter was struck by lightning and killed in a freak accident, and the session she had with a medium following her death made her a believer. So much so that she began studying mediumship full time and over a decade later, became one of the most well-known mediums in the world. She was not a born medium, she was a learned medium. Like what I was trying to do.

Suzanne’s course emphasized that we all have the ability to communicate with the spirit world, that it’s like building a new muscle. You wouldn’t work out for two weeks and say “I don’t have a six pack yet so I guess it’s not working,” right? Through mediumship I learned that intention is everything and the first rule of mediumship (not to be confused with fight club!) is you don’t question what you see. Meaning, you don’t try to give the image you are seeing meaning … You don’t analyze it, you don’t judge it, and you certainly don’t dismiss it. In a practice session, you always say what you see, no matter how trivial or silly it may seem. You can’t be afraid of getting it wrong.

As a former people-pleaser and approval seeker, this “dare to fail” mentality was (and still is!) particularly difficult for me to embrace. In the beginning, I had a hard time even opening up to let anything in. It was almost like I was blocking out messages from fear of getting it wrong, from fear that it was just my imagination. But what I’ve learned through continued practice over the years is that it always feels like your imagination at first. It was only when I began to open up to the possibility that what I was imagining could be a message from spirit that I began to receive information that could be verified by my sitter.

Also, spirit doesn’t discriminate form. My first holy-shit-aha communication moment was with a woman’s cat! I love that this was my first verified experience, as growing up I had a wild Maine Coon cat named Melissa (my favorite name at age five!) and cats have always had a special place in my heart. After Suzanne’s course had ended, I joined an online mediumship development circle with some of the students from the course. Every Monday night we would meet virtually to pair off and practice reading for each other and then discuss as a group what we had experienced.

Up until that night I had experienced what I previously described as “glimmers” … somewhat getting the essence or look or personality of my sitter’s loved one but nothing that was truly verifiable. As a student of evidential mediumship I was not satisfied with the vague messages I was receiving and prayed for a wow moment to let me know, this is real! Enter Mitzy …

As I set the intention to tune into Allison’s cat during our practice session (the sitter doesn’t always specify who they would like you to contact but in this case my sitter was clear she wanted to hear from her cat), I entered into “mediumship mode” and tried to let go of my thinking mind. I instead set my vibration in tune to the world or spirit, welcoming in any visions or images of favorite toys or kitty treats that wanted to appear. To my disappointment, nothing of the typical cat content arose, and for most of the session, nothing at all arose … it wasn’t until the very last minute before the timer went off that an image of hands presenting a bouquet of lilacs appeared clear as day in my mind’s eye.

Thrown off by the randomness of this image, which didn’t conjure up any cat associations for me, my old perfectionist tendencies briefly considered dismissing it altogether and not sharing at all. But then I remembered my oath as a student of mediumship – to share authentically whatever I receive, no matter how trivial or silly it might seem. So as I delivered my message to Allison with unsure inflection and braced for failure, you can imagine my shock when she burst into tears and exclaimed, “Ohmygosh, Mitzy!”

I couldn’t fathom how lilacs could elicit this response until she shared that she had had a reading with a professional pet medium last week, who had told her, “Your cat is telling me that her sign for you is lilacs, so anytime you see lilacs that is her saying hello.” JACKPOT!! I almost fell off my chair and cried with her because I was so shocked and happy. I finally had my evidential mediumship moment that verified for me beyond a doubt that this work is real, and that I can do it too!

The experience brought me so much joy. I laughed out loud that my first verifiable spirit connection was with a cat, and that the love from this animal in spirit came through so strongly that it brought tears of joy to my sitter. I helped do that!! And it was so clear that if I had been too afraid of getting it wrong and didn’t share that information, that moment never would’ve happened. That was a huge turning point and huge lesson for me in my practice.

My dad ended up making a full recovery and thankfully I didn’t need to use my newfound skills for my original purpose. But I know that someday both of my parents will die, and that other people I love will die … and that it is all an evitable part of life. But now, instead of being afraid of it or feeling out of control around death, I feel a whole lot more comfort and grace around it with mediumship a part of my life and practice.

And let me be clear, I am still practicing. I don’t always get clear and consistent information, but when I do, it blows my mind every time. I don’t advertise myself as a medium because I am still a student, still learning, but I also don’t dismiss the real messages I have received from the spirit world, messages that have been verified by loved ones here on earth in my practice sessions. And what I feel most passionate about right now, more than being a medium myself, is helping people know that they have this ability too. That mediumship is a gift available to all of us.

I hope that by sharing some of my experience with you here, it invites you to open up your own mind and investigate what lies beyond. Don’t take my word for it, practice yourself and see what happens. I will be doing more events on this topic to come, stay tuned!

0. The Fool

The Hero’s Journey or The Healer’s Journey, they’re one in the same …

The Hero’s Journey is a monomyth as old as time, passed down in various renditions throughout the ages in the form of fireside chats, folklore, mythology, books and film. It epitomizes the realization that we are the main character of our own lives, the captain of our ship, the author of our destiny. The hero’s journey is a step out of victimhood and into empowerment, the acknowledgement that we are writing our own story and its subsequent outcome through our thoughts, words and actions.

Much like the Major Arcana in the Tarot, the Hero’s Journey takes us on an arc of departure, initiation, and return. The Fool, card zero in the Major Arcana, begins this journey with a leap of faith. The message here is that if you spend your whole life at the cliff’s edge, contemplating all the risks involved but never jump, your journey can never begin. This leap of faith is often illogical to the mind but imperative to the heart; something that can’t be explained and therefore cannot be understood by those around you. Something deeply personal.

This is where the title “The Fool” comes in, for the soul says you must be willing to look foolish in order to follow your dreams. You must be able to withstand the naysayers and the doubt from both self and other. You must trust the compass of your heart over the consternation of those around you or the “play it safe” logic of the mind. Because in truth, you know it is far more foolish to let fear rather than faith guide this journey of your one life.

Think about it - anyone who has ever achieved anything has had to go through the experience of being called a fool by someone along the way. Any famous musician, artist, writer or entrepreneur first had to go through struggle before success. And in that period of uncertainty there were those around them who said they should give up. That they were naive, living in a dream world, impractical. This fear-based, “logical” mind is a part of everyone’s brain, and would surely shoot down the dreams of people like Oprah, Barack Obama, Dolly Parton and Elon Musk (questionable character but amazing outer space endeavors!). Dreams that are too big, too wild, too illogical, too impractical … too foolish.

Can you imagine if the discomfort of feeling foolish or the opinions of others stopped these people from following their dreams? What a loss that would’ve been to our world! The Fool stands strong in the face of fear because they know that their journey is not only about themselves. It is linked to something far greater and bigger than oneself. It is about sharing the magic you are being asked to step into with this world - to bring more joy into it, to uplift, to inspire, to help and heal through your own passions.

The Healer’s Journey tracks right alongside the Hero’s Journey. Often we don’t realize that we are setting out on both journeys simultaneously, that the path towards our dreams is also the path to healing and integration. A path that in both cases, will ultimately lead you home. Home to yourself. Home to your spirit. But before there is a homecoming, there must first be a homegoing - a step away from that place called home. A leap of faith into the unknown. ‘Into the great wide open,’ as Tom Petty would say …

My California dreaming screensaver circa 2008

My own homegoing was a call to California. A place I had been only once for a few days when I was 18. The decision to move there after college was based on a “feeling.” Nothing I could describe logically at the time, something that my professors and advisors reminded me was illogical. All of my connections to the fashion world were in New York City. Our campus in upstate NY had affiliations with some of the big name designers and could help place me in a career there; it made sense. I was reminded that they had no connections across the country in LA, the alternative fashion capital I had decided on. That I would be “on my own” if I decided to go in that direction.

Luckily, this didn’t deter me in the least. I had already felt very much on my own that last year of college. I had decided to make my senior collection “green” - meaning designed using exclusively organic and vintage fabrics with low impact dyes. This was a newer concept at the time, it was 2008. Nobody else at my school was doing this. However, instead of being embraced or encouraged by my professors, I was told once again that I was on my own if I wanted to go in that direction, that they had no resources to help me with my eco-collection and I would have to figure it out myself.

When it came time for the end of the year fashion show, the head of the department even went so far as to say I wasn’t allowed to have a special note in the brochure mentioning that my collection was eco-friendly. That it would be “special treatment” and an unfair advantage in the judging process, because no one else was allowed to give extra information about their collection. That the clothes would somehow have to “speak for themselves.” So with less than two weeks until show time, I worked late every night in the fashion lab creating embarrassingly tacky purses I loathed that had “Go Green” embroidered on them as a “voice” for my clothes, only to be told at the last minute: Okay, well we will make an exception for you this one time.

So when I was told that trying to get a job in fashion design in LA was crazy, irrational and foolish, I was pretty sure I knew who the real fool was here. As someone who had just spent the last year designing an eco-friendly collection, I felt confident that if I was looking for fellow dreamers, pioneers and people who understood me, they would be found in LA.

My eco-friendly senior collection, cue runway song: M.I.A. Bamboo Banga

But the real reason I chose LA wasn’t based on any kind of intellectual rationalizing, it was more about the intuitive feeling I had. I had never even been to LA, but I remembered how good I felt in California the few days I spent there for a wedding when I was 18. And I knew that I didn’t feel good in NYC. At that time, I didn’t know anything about energy on a metaphysical level. I just knew that the city felt hectic, overwhelming and chaotic and that I always felt drained instead of energized after leaving. I knew NYC was somewhere I did not want to be.

So, I started applying to jobs at eco-fashion companies in LA. And to appease my parents, I started applying to jobs in NYC as well. It was “the right thing to do” from a parental perspective – logical and rational, it made sense. Being unemployed and dependent on my parents in the midst of a global financial crisis, there wasn’t much of a choice there, but I intuitively knew that NYC was not the place for me and said a prayer that LA would win out.

Throughout the process there was one top choice that stood out in my mind. It was a company called Alternative Apparel. Earlier that year, when I was in the local Barnes and Noble flipping through fashion magazines in the name of research, I came across one of their ads in Nylon Magazine. Out of the thousands of ads I came across that night, something about it stood out. Again, nothing that could be described logically, but rather, a feeling. It was so strong that I bought the magazine, tore the ad out, and put it up on my wall in my dorm room. I looked up more about the company online – Los Angeles based with a dedicated green line called Alternative Earth. Yes and yes. “That’s where I’m going to work,” said a small but clear inner voice.  

When it came time to apply to jobs after graduation, Alternative was at the top of my list. I remember how much time and effort I spent crafting the perfect cover letter to accompany my resume. I’ve always enjoyed writing and wanted to convey in a more personable way my excitement about the company’s ethos and shared appreciation of their eco-friendly focus. When I did receive a response a couple weeks later, I was thrilled to find that the head of HR loved my letter, but deflated to then hear, “Unfortunately, we don’t have any openings at this time. Try back in a few months.”

Not the exact ad, but speaks to the ethos/vibe of Alternative at the time!

Time was not on my side. I didn’t have a few months, I needed a job and the money that came with it now. Disheartened but not deterred, I continued applying to my other top choices – companies that were either exclusively eco-friendly or had a green line. But as the weeks wore on and the rejection letters started coming in, I began to feel the pressure and the mounting panic of my mother. The push to “get a job!” and just apply anywhere. My own faith in myself and my dream was wavering. I began applying everywhere – places I didn’t want to live, jobs I didn’t want to take, lowering and lowering of my standards, smaller and smaller, further and further away from my dream.

Perhaps if you’d tried online dating you know the feeling? You start with high standards – what you want, what you will and will not accept, what matters to you on a soul level – and then as time goes on and no matches appear, you begin to lower your standards … bit by bit, settling more and more, lower and lower … until eventually you’re on a date with Chad who has cartoon tattoos on his ribcage and rides a motorcycle without a helmet.

Again, not understanding energy or intuition at that time, I didn’t know how to describe what I was feeling as I applied to jobs I didn’t want out of pressure and obligation, other than not good. Like trying to swim upstream. Going against the grain. Going in the wrong direction. It did not feel good to be operating out of this desperate energy, applying to jobs and places I didn’t want to live or work.

Luckily, no one was biting. Intuitively, I still felt that deep knowing that it would all work out and I would end up in LA, but the pressure of needing to make this happen within a three-month summer timeline had me stressed out in a big way. “The quickest way to kill your dreams is to give them a timeline,” a truth I now know too well. The spoken and unspoken panic from those around me and the news headlines about the economic crisis began to seep into my subconscious. I wasn’t sure if it was my own doubts or theirs that shouted, “You’ve picked the wrong career, the wrong path, you’ll never make it – there’s no jobs, you’ll live at home forever!!”

I fought this voice with the best guide I could’ve asked for, Wayne Dyer. His book, Wishes Fulfilled: Mastering the Art of Manifesting, was my first foray into the self-help/spiritual world. My mom was actually the person who introduced me to Wayne. Despite her own inability to apply his mindset to the present situation, she had leaned on him in the past to get her through her own insurmountable obstacles, particularly her battle with breast cancer when I was 12 years old and she was only 38. I can’t remember exactly when she introduced me to his books, but I feel like it was sometime between the end of high school and my college days. I definitely didn’t lean into it at first, because all I remember about those days and times was feeling like I was flying by the seat of my pants on an anxiety rollercoaster with absolutely no grounding tools whatsoever.

As seen on public TV!

Somehow, someway that book found me that summer. And despite my mom pushing the panic button and igniting all my self-doubts, she had also led me to Wayne, and Wayne was my anchor throughout the turmoil of that time. I also understand now that my mom’s panic and inability to emotionally support me at that time may not have only come from financial fears, but also from a fear of loss that was much deeper. Something that she couldn’t or wasn’t willing to acknowledge. The loss of her only child moving across the country.

I was grateful to her for leading me to Wayne, who could be that calm, steady voice of support and reason that I needed. Wayne reminded me that I was not crazy or foolish. That people do crazier things every day! That if I can believe it, I can achieve it. That with God all things are possible. That it’s not even blind faith, it’s science. Quantum physics, the magnetic pull of like attracting like.

What I remember about that book was that it contained a chapter by chapter outline of how to manifest your dreams. It gave me a roadmap. It gave me an anchor. It gave me advice on what to do when fears and obstacles and doubts arose, as they inevitably did. It helped me to keep the faith even when those around me were questioning, doubting, or calling me foolish.

I remember my favorite aunt, Auntie Kate, who was and always has been my biggest cheerleader, trying to help me out by connecting me with her friend’s son who worked for Balenciaga. “Just a phone call, please! Some advice would be so helpful.” I clearly remember that phone call. My nerves on edge, about to talk to this professional with such an esteemed job in the industry. Trying to make myself sound so mature. Clearly conveying my deepest gratitude and respect for him taking the time out of his busy day to talk to me – a lowly recent grad, a fashion-insider wannabe.

I had my notebook and pen ready, prepared to write down any insider advice he was willing to share. I quickly realized I did not need a pen for what he had to say. His expert “advice” was that unless I was willing to take an unpaid internship, I should probably start looking in another industry because it was going to be impossible for me to find a job in fashion at this time. He reminded me that the economic crisis was hitting the fashion industry hard and that there were no jobs available. And LA? A ridiculous idea that I should give up. The opportunities and connections were clearly in NYC, and if you don’t have connections in this industry, you don’t have anything.  

I held it together to say a brief thank you for his “advice” and then promptly burst into tears when I hung up the phone. That whole summer, despite their multitude, no rejection letters had brought me to tears like this. I never felt as completely defeated or deflated as I did in that moment. This “industry expert,” this person I didn’t know, so confidently assuring me that my dreams were unrealistic and unfounded, felt like a slap in the face. It hurt, but thankfully my deep inner knowing said it wasn’t the truth, don’t believe it.

I’m so thankful that this small voice of reason inside of me – my intuition, my instinct – has always been louder than the voices of doubt around me. My father, someone who worked in the world of sales his whole life and certainly knew about rejection, was also someone who always encouraged me to keep going, reminding me “Not to take no for an answer!”, that there’s always a way over, around or through.

Great advice, though sometimes difficult to apply. Particularly in my high school years when this mindset had me cringing as my dad informed me that I must go talk to my Geometry teacher and figure out how to move my C (my first ever!) to a B. Mr. McGow was an ex-NYPD cop, and not the most personable character. But, much like Cher in Clueless, I managed to win him over with my persistence and various extra credit projects that did eventually get my C moved to a B. Further cringing was induced when my dad told the vice principle of our high school that he was not getting off the phone with her until she changed her mind about issuing me a three-day suspension. This was the proposed punishment for me leaving campus during my lunch period, which I told my father was to simply get Tylenol out of my car for my period cramps, since the nurses were no longer allowed to hand out painkillers. In truth, I went with my friend Amy to the mall. I thought I would sink through the floor and die of embarrassment as I heard my dad vociferously advocating for my menstrual rights, knowing it was all a lie. True to form, he succeeded in getting me off the hook and thankfully, years later, when I told him the truth, we had a good laugh about it.

So when my father suggested I join him on a business trip to LA at the end of summer to maybe just “show up” at some of the places I had applied to and see if they had the time to talk to me, it was just the injection of hope I needed. We headed out the first week of September with two main objectives on my agenda – Alternative Apparel and a now defunct eco-company that I can’t remember the name of. I recall renting a convertible and the excitement (if not slight embarrassment) I felt driving with my dad with the top down through LA, land of my dreams!

Bleach blonde hair prerequisite to California Dreaming lifestyle …

Our hotel was situated at the corner of Hollywood and Highland, with our room looking out to a view of the Hollywood Hills. I clearly remember opening the curtains that first day and looking out to the houses in the hills across from me saying, Someday, I’m going to live there. You can imagine the shock and thrill I felt years later when I moved into my new apartment, opened the blinds and saw that hotel down the road staring back at me. I had completely forgotten about that moment, but clearly my intuition and fate had not.

The first place on the list that lined up with my dad’s own business agenda was the eco-company in the valley. Again speaking strictly in vibes and feels, I did not get a good vibe as we pulled up to the building. For one, it was in the middle of nowhere, about 45 minutes outside of LA. At that time of my life I wasn’t adept at discerning where a bad feeling was coming from – Was that my intuition or just normal nervousness? – so I chalked it up to nerves and boldly knocked at the front door, unannounced and unprepared for what I was walking into.

I was granted entry and introduced to the manager after my, “I flew all way from NH and I’d love to talk to someone” monologue. The manager asked a few more questions about my background – Do you know how to sew and cut patterns? Yes? Hmm, well we might have something for you, let me show you around. My hope surged at this first door opening for me, but was quickly dashed as the tour began and we walked into “the factory,” which was more like a glorified sweat shop … people bent over sewing machines crowded together under huge fans … loud, dusty, not well ventilated … the bad vibes were sounding off loud and clear!

The tour ended with the manager telling me the “good news” that they could offer me a position as a seamstress if I was interested. I politely feigned gratitude for the offer as my gut instinct screamed Absolutely not! and said I would need some time to think it over. My dad, who had been patiently waiting for me in the car for the past 45 minutes, looked at me with hopeful expectation as I got back in. “In there for awhile huh, good news?!” “Well, the good news is I was offered a job! The bad news is that it’s not in design, and it would be as a seamstress in what looks like a sweatshop. So, I’m thinking no.” My dad shared my horror and we had a laugh about it, hoping for better luck at Alternative the following day.

Our more immediate concern at the moment was finding somewhere to have lunch in the desolate valley town we found ourselves in (Canoga Park circa 2008!). Driving down the main boulevard, past run down shops and food trucks, we finally came across a welcoming looking restaurant aptly named, Follow Your Heart. It felt like a sign, and I felt the good vibes flowing immediately upon walking through the door. My dad was feeling it too, until we sat down and looked at the menu. Upon which point we realized it was all vegetarian. Not a problem for me, as I was already intuitively feeling a switch to a vegetarian diet would be part of my new CA lifestyle, but not my dad’s first choice! However, he proved to be a good sport when he ordered “The Rueben” and said it actually wasn’t too bad for a fake meat sandwich.

Synchronicity and fate aligned again just a couple months later when I found myself living in this “desolate valley town” as a new resident and new vegetarian. I had completely forgot about our lunch at Follow Your Heart that day, and as I looked online for vegetarian places to eat (the days of Happy Cow as a guide, if you know you know) I laughed out loud when I saw that special spot was right down street from me. Follow your heart indeed! It was all lining up.

Follow Your Heart in Canoga Park, alive and well since 1970!

The day after the sweat shop debacle was my time to try at Alternative. This one felt like much more pressure because of how badly I wanted it. In the back of my mind I could see the ad I’d torn out of the magazine. And I could hear that intuitive voice within still saying, “This is the place.” So I was rather shocked when we pulled up to a strange set of rambling buildings carved into the hillside along Cahuengha (Ca-wang-gah for the non-LA natives) Blvd. These concrete blocks looked more like storage units than offices, with no windows facing the street except a couple small prison-style openings at the top. Not a good vibe from the look!

With no clear entrance in sight, my trepidation was further ignited by the thought of somehow trying to scale the hillside in heels to find a way in. Which mind you, I was ready and willing to do, as I had just flown across the country for this! After further assessment, I saw that a door did in fact exist at the back end of the creepy subterranean parking area below building number one. My dad pulled over on the side of the road just ahead of the building and assured me, “Go for it!”, clearly unaware of LA’s history of cults and their affinity for nondescript buildings such as these. As I walked towards the door and contemplated whether I was about to enter a Scientology Center or a Wayne Dyer manifestation moment, I saw that the door had no handle. Hmm, another hurdle to clear. I timidly, and then more forcefully, knocked, hoping this was not signifying any kind of secret cult code for initiation to whoever resided on the other side of the door. After a few more moments I realized that probably no one resided on the other end of the door, as I was on a subterranean level and my knocks were likely not reaching any human ears.

I then noticed a buzzer. Oh, ok good. But also, awkward. What do I say?? I buzzed as I thought about my options. A voice reached through the speaker, “Hello, Alternative Apparel?” Phew, cult fears subsided, I was at the right location! “Um, hi! My name is Sarah Comer, I was hoping to speak with someone from the design team. I just flew across the country from NH. I have my portfolio with me, is there someone I can speak with?" To which the voice replied in a somewhat confused tone, “Um ok, hold on.” The buzzer sounded and the door opened, only to reveal a concrete wall in front of me. Was I in an escape room? A glance to the right appeased this fear, showing a set of stairs steeply inclined with no clear view in sight of the top step destination. Shaking in my boots (heels, rather) but trying to play it cool I ascended the stairs with Wayne’s voice of encouragement in my head. Manifest your destiny!

I found myself in the middle of a design room. Unlike my valley visit, this place did not feel like a sweatshop, it looked more like a tree house filled with lots of clothes. It had large windows all along the back of the building that opened up to a view of trees dotting the hillside, with a roomy upstairs loft space complete with spiral staircase. The main room I walked into was filled with giant cutting tables for patterns and fabric, with a couple of sewing machines whirring away to the right. Behind the tables were cubicle style offices decorated with bright fabrics and posters, populated by too-cool-for-school looking people working away with their headphones on. My east coast autopilot uptight nature immediately felt mellowed out by this California cool workplace setting … a vibe I could get down with!

The person who buzzed me in came up to me and introduced himself as Joe, the cutter, whose job was to cut out pattern pieces for the pre-production samples. I could see he was a little confused about what to do with me or who to send me to, so I reiterated again that I was here to talk to someone on the design team and show them my portfolio. “Oh, right! Hold on a second.” As Joe abandoned me to ascend the spiral staircase, presumably where the design team lived, I felt a bit self-conscious standing there in the middle of the room as everyone gave me sideways glances. I tried to play it cool but cringed inwardly as I heard Joe say to whoever was upstairs, “Uh, there’s some girl here from NH who says she wants to show you her portfolio?” Eek, okay here we go …

As I got the green light to ascend I kept my eyes locked downward, as my first step (quite literally!) in acing this impromptu interview would be making it up the spiral stairs in my heels without falling. Part one of mission accomplished, I looked up to find I was in another office space with a few desks, lots of clothes, and a several people sprawled on the floor working on what looked like mood boards. The person who seemed to be in charge sat at a desk to my right. “Hi, I’m sorry, can I help you?” She had jet black hair and didn’t smile as she talked. “Oh. Hi! Well, um, I actually spoke to Suzie in HR last month and she said she really loved my resume but there wasn’t any room in your department right now. But I figured, since I was in town this week, that I’d stop by … you know, just to see if anything has changed or opened up. I’d love to show you my portfolio if you’re interested?”

The spiral staircase at Alternative

She did not look interested. However, she did humor me by quickly flipping through my portfolio and asking me a few basic questions. “Well this is nice, but like Suzie said, we don’t really have any room here right now. The office is pretty full.” Deflated but maintaining an aura of bravado, I thanked her for her time and carefully began my descent down the spiral staircase, determined to keep my integrity intact sans wipe out.

As I reached the last step and breathed a sigh of relief for this small victory, I was immediately accosted by a small woman who emerged from the side corner office. “Hi, I’m Sam! Did you say you’re interested in a job in design?” Why, yes I did Sam! “Well I’m the Technical Design manager, and we could really use some help in our department. Do you have any experience with technical design?” As I debated whether the one-day class I had taken on technical design my senior year counted as “experience” I heard my mouth enthusiastically saying “Yes, I do, and I’m a quick learner!” Sam’s excitement (which I later learned was desperation) was palpable as she met my enthusiasm by ensuring me that she would talk to Suzie in HR (HR and the rest of the company aside from design was based in Atlanta, GA). That, even if we needed to put me in the closet, we would find a way to get me in!

With info exchanged, I headed out the door imbued with manifestation energy. My dreams were in reach!! I could feel it. Granted, there was still some settling involved – technical design was not the design team I wanted to be on, and a closet office wasn’t in my dream either, but, the vibe felt right. I felt good in the space. It felt exciting and creatively stimulating. I loved the company, their ethos, and everything they stood for. The office was in LA. I thought of this job in tech design more as a way in - a foot in the door - and rationalized that once inside I could work my way over to the design team and up the spiral staircase.  

I returned to NH feeling victorious, but my high hopes quickly began to fade as the days turned into weeks without an offer. All I’d heard from Sam were a few updates consisting of, “Don’t worry, I’m working on it .. stay tuned!” which didn’t help assure my parents that this was going to work out in any kind of concrete way. There was only so long I could wait for this offer to come through, my time was running out. I needed a job, like, yesterday.

In the meantime, I took a job in a somewhat related field at the local art gallery. As an artist, I felt that if I could at least be immersed in the beauty of art, I’d stay inspired during this interim time of interminable waiting. Unfortunately for me, the only job they had available was security guard. Never in my life has anyone looked at me and thought “Security Guard.” I look like probably the least threatening and least ass-kicking person you’d expect to see in a position of that power. However, I soon realized that “guarding” in this role was less Bruce Lee and more Sr. Barbara at our eighth grade dance. You see, Sr. Barbara used to walk around with a ruler, and if anyone was dancing too close, she’d put the ruler between them to signify some space was needed. My job, minus the ruler, was to enact Sr. Barbara’s fierce boundaries by making sure all viewers maintained a “safe” distance from the art. Anyone who got too close was given a warning and then asked to leave with a click of my walkie talkie to the real guards for back up if the offense was repeated.

This job had me standing for hours on end circling the galleries, with plenty of thinking to do. I remember my mind oscillating from fear to faith and back again. Fear – “Is this my life now? Will I ever get to LA? Will I be stuck in this boring job forever?!” Faith – “Hold on just a little bit longer. You already did the hardest part, you have an in at Alternative. It’s going to work out!” At home I continued to turn to Wayne for reassurance and do the manifestation and visualization exercises he outlined.

I clearly remember at this time having dreams about being pregnant as well. Thankfully, I wasn’t worried that this was any kind of literal premonition, as I was quite confident my college years had disqualified me from the honor of immaculate conception. But I do remember thinking it was so strange that I had to look up more about the meaning online. It said: On the precipice, on the verge of something big. About to give birth to your dreams or desires. New life coming in.

A good sign indeed, but not enough tangible reassurance to stave off the fears and doubt coming at me from all angles, which I continued to fight. The Friday of the second week of September found me at my grandmother’s house, cleaning for cash while she was out to lunch with her neighbor, Mrs. D. I remember being in the office, dusting around her many post-its, when I got the call on my flip phone. It was Suzie. They wanted to offer me a job as an assistant technical designer. Ahhhhhhhhh!! The wave of relief and excitement that came over me was tidal, but I kept my cool on the phone and said, “Yes, I’ll take it!!” upon which she said she’d email me the contract shortly.

Homegoing: Leaving home in NH for my new home in CA!

As I hung up the phone I jumped for joy and pumped my fists in the air, YESSSS!!! Mission accomplished! Destiny Manifested! Victory!! The realization that all the fear, all the doubt, all the difficulties and obstacles I had faced, all lead me here to this breakthrough moment – my ticket to ride, my foot in the door, my way to LA. As I let the magnitude of this gratitude fill my soul, I thanked that small still voice inside me for staying present the whole way through. For not letting anyone lead me off course, for not letting me give up on myself or my dreams. I knew there would still be many obstacles ahead, but I had cleared the biggest hurdle, the first big step, the one that felt the most impossible. I was on my way to LA to make my dreams come true. It was time to take the leap of faith and see what magic I could really do …

Beatrice Wood, ultimate fool icon and cliff jumper